Friday, June 12, 2009

The Imposter Syndrome

I have just sent off another of my doings. As I let them sit in my house where I could see them for at least the last month, hoping to retain the memory of them; I realized that I had sent hundreds of these doings off and always forgot that I had done them. Or at least when I saw them again it seemed like someone else surly did it because I could not have done so well.

I think the fact is even when they were finished from that moment on it seemed like someone else had done them. I remember the ones that I did poorly much better. The ones that I did exceptionally well are a blur. Why? Maybe Chani, my son, has put his finger on it with his blog---Impostor Syndrome

I have been an impostor for most of my life.

I am a person, I have known this. But, a mom, teacher, master gardener, director of Young Author's Conferences, wife, friend, clown, executor of an estate, caretaker for the elderly, seamstress, doll maker, sign language interpreter, artist? I don't know. All of these were temporary states in an ongoing consciousness...........

Every time I get put in one of these roles I rebel deep inside myself somehow. Like it is strangling me as a person. I can fill those roles for a while but if pressed to continue past whatever internal time my consciousness has given me--I feel trapped.

If I look back on any of these roles I can see the flaws in my performance like lights in the darkness--every flaw proves I am really an imposter. But the successes? They dim into oblivion. Maybe that is why I need so much reassurance. And when I don't get it, I die and so does the since of internal accomplishment.

It would be easy to say "Oh, just don't feel that way!", but it hasn't worked.

Interesting insight.

1 comment:

Val in the Rose Garden said...

Oh mama... I think all of the family has that syndrome... at least I know I do too. I have used my blogs and photos as a tool to get me out of that. I even just put up posts with pictures of the Maringo house and all the things I did there because I hadn't remembered the YEARS we lived off of less than $800 every two weeks with my sewing and cooking skills to get us by. So when I came across those pictures the other day, I seperated them into sets and made posts out of them. Then, every now and again, I will come across them and see what amazing things I have done in my time of being the numerous things I have been already.

You need some pictures. Photos of your creations. Maybe scrapbooking can be the next thing you take on? Maybe just having pictures on your computer would be enough. But I think that if you posted them here where others could ohhhhhh and ahhhh at them every now and again... well that would be great too. But find a way to get it out of your head. Beucase often I look back and think "Well I couldn't have been that good." and then I see the pictures and say "WOW! Look at what I did..." and a whole rush of good feelings come into me as though I had just completed those projects again.

Coping tools are good. They really work.

I love you... and I will send you pictures of your creations as soon as I get them where they are supposed to be. ;)