Yesterday I found out why I do what I do

I have a friend who has taken years to get close to. She has been alone for years and finally had made a cognitive leap into her imagination to create a reality that is really different from any of the rest of us. She was unable to be touched. She took offence at the smallest things. She was combative. She was plain rude at times totally rejecting any sign that she was cared about. As I endured she began to soften.

It has taken years for her to expose her reality to me. As I validated her perspective, yet stayed separate from this construction, she became more and more friendly first finding ways to "take care of me" then just plain affectionate responses still not wanting to be touched however. One day a while ago she spontaneously hugged me. A surprise for sure, but a welcomed change in her.

Yesterday I saw her opening her perspective to a gift I made her. The look on her face of gratitude and genuine love was delightful and the best Christmas gift I could have gotten. Bless her heart--some hope has entered her world.

I have no intention of intruding on her, but because I endured her negative behavior, took her prospective seriously, accepted her ideas, trying to understand where she had developed the construct of her life and genuinely wanted to care about her anyway, She opened her heart to being loved. I am grateful that I did not give up.

It may seem at times, even to me, that who I am is a mistake, that what I think is so far out of step with what the world is doing now that I must be wrong, but yesterday I found out why I do what I do just by the look on her face.

Wow! Merry Christmas

Where are we going?

I am having trouble with Science. Our world is a finite resource. Everything on the planet is in a defined amount. Each one limited by what is here now. Science is exploring how to use every molecule of it, or should I say use up every molecule.

Science has found ways to separate, concentrate, combine, and even change the molecular structure of just about anything they want. Now they are creating a laser that can blow up a planet!--not only using up what we have here, but dispersing what is not even within our reach.

Who do we think we are? What gives humanity(rather a few humans) the right to change things to suit their curiosity, no matter what the consequences to others (animals, plants, elements, even other planets)?

The sad part is that most of us can not grow our own food, cook our own meals, fix our cars, put up our own fences, mow our own lawns, and we do not even make our beds or wash our own dishes. We let our resources mold, rust and melt into the land fill. Science still can not get rid of nuclear waste, scrub the emissions of a coal fueled electrical plant or find a way to recycle about 1/2 of our garbage, but they can blow up a planet!

Wow! Where are our priorities?

Oh, by the way the complaints about your use of electricity? The Hedron Collider in Europe uses electricity at the same rate as a city of 300,000 people. For what? To find out what happened in the big bang at the beginning of the universe. Wow! again. I think my Christmas lights are really no problem!

Projects this last few weeks

Blanket, BB, pillow and booties for Lesa's coming baby. Booties.

Placemats for a house warming, include hot pads for the table. Came out cute.

My little neighbor, 6 year old Leslie's birthday pillow.

Chickens, Chickens and more chickens.

These are placemats for my neighbor's birthday gift. She really likes chickens and has them all over her kitchen so I thought she might like these. Found the panel in my quilt shop and some corn printed fabric for the back. Got to use up some of the hundreds of fat quarters too! yah!

Another thing on the panel was this banner and I put it on my chicken house to let my girls know they are the best.

It is winter so I have covered the windows to keep the wind out. They seem to be very contented even though the light comes on at 5 am. It does keep them warm too so they don't mind. Still have one egg each from the little ladies.

Well, better get on to the next one.

Global warming? or nuclear consequences?

I have become aware of the extent of the nuclear testing in the Pacific. 1.7 Hiroshima bombs a day for 12 years! Do we really think that had no effect on the life in the oceans of the world? In unleashing such a catastrophic amount of radiation, heat, and light into the waters do we really think it had no long term impact?

We are experiencing changes in climate here on the west coast called El Nino, or La Nina which is the shifts in the warm water currents in the Pacific Ocean. How much did that testing affect this seasonal flow of the waters? How many animals are no longer in this ocean because of the radiation?

I am awestruck that we are so stupid.

Why Societies Have Religious Components

Here I acknowledge the abuses of the leadership that exist in this genre, but the point here is to look at the components themselves.

1. Religious components explain the unexplainable so one can let the concern over it go.
2. Religious components give guidelines to the new generation in an otherwise chaotic existence.
3. Religious components limit the abuses that willful hearts can do to the innocent or weaker.

The larger unanswerable topics like" Why do I exist? What happens when I die? Is there meaning to anything? etc... are usually part of religious concepts. These questions come up in every one's life and are unanswerable as far as we know , but religion has given us a way out of worrying about it. Mysteries like these are questions that we will not be able to let go but for the permission the answers given in religious contexts give.

In covering the other topics the religious components gives rest to the innocent and weak, courage to the faint of heart, and limitations to the strong. A government may be able to make laws that do these things but it takes religious components to self discipline ones self to obey these laws. There is no law enforcement that can stop a willful heart only that heart can stop itself.

Without these components of religious belief the young are left with their imagination to guide them. At this time when it is possible in our society to do anything it is important to set some of these limits in the young. Not as controls, but as guidelines for behavior in an ever increasing population to stop us from destroying our planet and to protect us from each other.

It is one thing to talk about freedom of speech and quite another thing to allow slander, lies, distortions and misleading. It is one thing to talk about imagination and quite another thing to abandon reality all together and live in that fantasy.

The things the ancients struggled with are the same as the things we face today. They, over time, constructed ways of limiting (self-controlling) themselves, facing the unexplainable and keeping violence from destroying them. Humanity itself has not changed. We need to look very hard at the rejection of religious components in the context of a whole life lived with the unbelievable limitless possibilities and potential destructiveness we see today.

I hope we will look hard at this gift of religious components that have for generations allowed us to evaluate the value of our self-interested desires, to limit our greed, to control our aggressions, and to limit imagination to the things that make life better for all.

Harvest Moon

Today I experienced the Harvest Moon. In times past I had experienced the rising of this moon as the largest in the year. It peeks over the horizon and then fills the sky. It glows gold in the twilight of the day. It rises up to fill the night air with a pure white light. I did not pay much attention to how long it stayed in the sky. I did not realized it would still be filling the landscape with a bright glow at 6 am making it possible to see everything around as clearly as a street light fills the air with light.

With our modern streetlights we create a hazy gold glow every night of the year but before electricity for millions of years this night light in the sky only happened all night in the fall after the equinox, the first full moon after the equal day and night in the fall.

We are so used to having light at night that we don't even notice it, but once a year our ancestors all over the world could stay up all night with the moon lighting their world for three days! It is no wonder that they had a special celebration of this majestic moon. What a treat.

Aligning one's self

"Aligning yourself with positive people"...that I may be encouraged together with you by the mutual faith." Romans 1:12

Today I saw Ken Burns "National Parks, our best idea". Having been raised in California I knew about Yosemite being the first wilderness aria being set aside as a public park. I knew of the role of John Meir in trying to preserve it for us 100 years before my grandchildren would be able to see this wonder. The fact that it is still here for us to visit is amazing in itself because, as Chani has said the world's people are self-interested and are not altruistic, but Yosemite, Yellowstone, Mount Rainer, the Grand Canyon and other places like these prove that there are some who see into the future and are not just here for themselves.

I choose to be aligned with them-- the John Meurs of the world-- those who see the common good and work to preserve it for the future as well as using it for the present. There are not too many for sure but I choose to be with them.

Altruism is a choice. Giving up what would be good for you in the short term for the future of your family, your town, your country, your state, your nation and the world's future--what more could we do for ourselves than to say we have preserved something, taken care of something, saved something, not wasted something and turned it over to future generations for the good of us all?

In my own way I am doing that. Generations of my family have worked to preserve a heritage for our family, some better than others, it has now come to me. I choose to have it to pass on. I hope that the next generation will do the same.

If this is also self-interest so be it. I want to be that kind of self-interested.

Google each National Park, State Park, and County Park and see what others have left for you! And view the memory book I gave each of you and see what these folks have left for our family.

The Locked Doors

Do you know who you really are?

How did you get put in the box you are in?

Is there someone else inside you that needs to be expressed?

Self examination, life's precious gift to know one's self.

Today I saw Six Degrees of Separation. In this movie a young man pretended/imagined his way into the lives of several prominent families only to be part of a world he was not born into. His fate was, for many of us, familiar.

This monologue was the most significant:

"The imagination has been moved out of the realm of being our link, our most personal link with our inner lives and the world outside that world and the world we share.

What is schizophrenia but a horrifying state where what's in here(head) doesn't match with what's out there.

Why has imagination become a synonym for style... I believe that imagination is the passport we create to take us into the real world. I believe that the Imagination is just another word for what is most uniquely us.

Jung said"The greatest sin is to be unconscious." Holden says "What scares me most is the other guy's face. It wouldn't be so bad if you could both be blindfolded" Most of the time the face that we face is not the other guy's, but our own face.

And it is the worst kind of yellowness to be so scared of yourself that you put blindfolds on rather than deal with yourself.

To face ourselves---that's the hard thing. The imagination--that's God's gift to make the act of self examination bearable."

In me there is a teacher, a lover of knowledge, proficient in many genera, experienced in many fields, but the door was closed because I am dyslexic. I can't spell. Teachers need to spell correctly; this was the first door that slammed in my face.

The door is closed to me who loves the "art" of teaching and the inspiration of knowing that you can share this love, but for those who can follow a line it is open. Many times they shoot down people like me by telling us we ask too many questions. The threat is that we want to know more than they themselves know.

I am not saying that all doors should be opened, for there are many who do not know and need to be instructed. But, so many of us who genuinely love learning, God, creativity, spontaneity, and life are stifled by those who have not the capacity to enjoy the reality of these themselves. They are in control in order to keep "knowing" under their rigid level of understanding. They should rather be guiding us to go beyond the rote to the abstract that created the rote, thus opening the door to go further rather than only knowing what others have said.

However, these same "limiters" venerate those lovers of life...artists, writers, poets etc... while at the same time try to kill their joy by analyzing their lives and quantifying their work and then closing doors to their participation by finding fault.

Thank God I do not accept their limits, but, boy is it hard to feel OK in a world with these circumstances.

Aloneness

I saw a picture of my grandson that reminded me of the way he likes to be alone. I used to be that way too. I remember sitting out on the rocks in front of Cannery Row finding peace in the sound of the ocean crashing on the big rocks splashing up into the sky and falling back into the foam.

I was the oldest in a chaotic family of 4 siblings. My parents were not happy and there was never a quiet moment. Sitting by the ocean with its rhythmic roar was very different from hearing my parents argue or my siblings constant babble. With a dog, 14 cats, 3 siblings and fighting parents there was never a moment of quiet and then came the television, radio , and phonographs. But by the ocean it was all drowned out, not only from the air but from my mind.

There was always the reentry into the chaos but for a moment I was at peace and one with something bigger than myself, bigger than the goings on around me, just the "isness" of being.

This separateness gave me some comfort, but I really wanted to be part of something. I searched all through my life for the one place I fit in, but at every turn there was someone that wanted my place. Someone who was jelous of what I could do or wanted so badly to do it themselves that they needed to discredit me so they could take over. As I backed down to their greater desire I lost my place over and over until now there is nothing that I want to be a part of.

It took me a long time to give up wanting to be part of something. I wonder if he has given up already.

Reflections on Second Weddings

I have thought about my ex-husband's weddings. The vows that were taken at our wedding were that we would "love" each other but have no commitment. These new vows are that even though we may hurt each other we don't mean to. Interesting.

The assumption that one is loved no matter what the other does and the assumption that no matter how hurtful you are to the other they should always know you don't mean it? Interesting. I wonder how many hurts it takes to have this mean absolutely nothing.

This life path is the same as his father's-- spend the first part of your life working out your own frailties, trying to control your spouse, and (intentionally or unintentionally) demoralize the mother of your children until she gives up and then choose someone else to live out the rest of your life with when you have learned what hurts a companion and don't want to do that anymore. Interesting.

How long until women recognize this pattern and stop participating?

That's all I have to say about that.

I saw John Lennon today

I saw John Lennon today, long gone, but still in the ghosts of the video tape. His "bed in" caused quite a stir. The message was "give peace a chance". I have listened to the churches preach "love one another" and the golden rule "do unto others as you would have them do to you" and many more like statements.

I find myself in a quandary. The only way these things work is if everyone does it. Just one person not thinking of others needs, just one person finding that hitting or yelling gets their way no matter if it is good or not, just one person taking advantage of others and the whole "Peace" thing goes up in smoke unless. . .there is something in place that holds them accountable.

Tolerance is fine until someone takes advantage of the tolerance of others. Patience is fine unless someone keeps blocking progress on purpose. Forgiveness is fine until someone repeats the offence until there is no more room for forgiveness. Loving(emotionally) is not enough, but caring what happens to them and being willing to do something about the difficulties they face is another. Words are not enough.

Love, Peace, Tolerance, Forgiveness, Patience, Acceptance, Openness-- All really good words, but there are actions, parameters, and accountability in these words. If not, then there is abuse. Where there is abuse there is disillusion. Where there is disillusion there is disappointment. Where there is disappointment there is discouragement. Where there is discouragement there is depression and at the end there is resentment that causes unloving, un-peaceful, unforgiving, intolerant acts. Then all is in smoke.

We can not afford health care for all but we can spend billions in Afghanistan to stabilize their country. We can send a probe to Pluto, but not give all our citizens secure banking. We can spend millions on entertaining movies, but not for keeping our public parks in order and the list goes on and on and on. . . . . . . . . .

What is wrong with this picture? Peace will only come when we want to take care of each other and stop getting what we think we need despite what it does to others and our planet. Who does this start with? Well, you decide. John said we could do it if we try. I have become a bit cynical. Who wants to try anymore?

Note from beyond from Ruthie

My mother passed away almost 7 years ago. Today I was cleaning out the garage and found yet another note from my mom.

Who's Name? Mine?
By Ruthie written February 2, 1995

Until I was 65 years old I thought I was named after my God Father's wife, Ruth Morris, my mother's matron of honor and wife of my Dad's friend and best man, Governor Morris, the writer. She was an actress of some repute. My mother told me she was very beautiful. I didn't know my mother's younger sister had claimed the name Ruth for her middle name. For years I basked in the lime light of the talented actress, now I had to adjust to "You were named after me!" from my abstinent Aunt Aldine "Ruth" Henriques Young. I am glad I didn't know this until this stage of my life.

My birth certificate reads: Ruth Underwood Brown-- the Underwood after my Grandmother Brown's family and my father's middle name. Mother used to tell me my Grandmother Brown wanted me to be named after Great Aunt Matilda, but they didn't think "Tilly" was a suitable name for their daughter, but Ruthie stuck. Those who knew me well called me Ruthie--my Aunt Aurora called me Ruthie until the day she died at 91 years young.

I was Ruth Underwood Brown until I was a little past 2 when in the baptismal font in St Patrick's Church in San Jose I became Ruth Marie Brown. I remember the glow of the stained glass window and my Aunt Aurora holding me.

Somewhere in recent years I became just Ruth. Where Ruthie was a term of endearment, Ruth gives deference to my years and status of Great Grandmother.

I have always liked my name. It is easy to spell, easy to pronounce, holds some dignity, and rhymes with Truth.

So, Ruth Underwood Brown changed to Ruth Marie Brown in 1927. My named changed again in 1944 at the Navy Chapel in Corpus Christi, Texas to Ruth Marie Brown Byles. Then Ruth Marie Brown Byles Becker has been on my driver's license since 1980.

I read a tribute my God Father wrote for his Ruth when she died and felt proud to have been named for such a person. My Aunt Aldine lived to 91 years old with Ruth as her middle name. She was determined, stubborn and fought for her way throughout her life. According to the New Dictionary of the English Language (1925) the name Ruth, of biblical derivation means Beauty. The two people who held my name were examples of strength and beauty. My wish is somehow the legacy of "this" Ruth will have been to show the beauty around us in trivial and everyday things and people.

And she did!

Oservation

Wednesday, Aug 12, makes 7 years of this different life. I know that our bodies change all the cells in it on a 7 year cycle, so I am a completely different person than I was when I got here. Except the ends of my hair which I decided not to cut because there must be a little left of the past.

It has changed my perspective to realize this. I am not sure why but it has and I feel different.

We will see what the next 7 years brings.

a voice in the wind

I have been talking to 4 teachers, an art teacher in private school, a Spanish teacher and a third grade teacher in public school and a home school teacher. These four people are working very hard to educate our children, but have major problems with the way things are going right now.

I wonder if they have thought of this?

Did you ever think that the state of public education was deliberate?

In the 1950's there was a push for better education. Children were taught to think for themselves and learn what they could with enthusiasm, self discipline and order. But in the 60's after the Viet Nam War protests and the civil rights demonstrations things changed. Those who were in power saw that an educated public, especially young people, would march in the streets for what they perceived is right.

This is how they choose to combat this civil unrest:

1. Slowly dumb down the books that are required for the young to learn from, removing as much of the meanings as possible and have children learn meaningless facts.

2 Listen to the uneducated and allow them to dilute the professions by giving them special dispensation because they did not know what was required (no matter what the reason).

3. Require that the higher forms of English not be used In fact don't require English at all.

4. Require educated folks to step down the language they use to the level of the majority rather than keeping up a higher standard of communication.

5. Require that all written forms be in short sentences limited to less than 10 words, use common words not more accurate words, no use of colons, semi-colons, dashes, even descriptive commas, like this, should be discouraged. This will keep the young from understanding even the basics of our nation's written documents because they will not be able to read the Bill of Rights or the Constitution.

6. Stop teaching civics, parliamentary procedure or orderly assembly, because if they learned these they would have a means of dealing with their dissatisfaction with the government thus the civil unrest that is to be avoided at all costs.

7. Promote radio, television, and other media that will accomplish the demoralization, desensitization and destruction of self esteem by subsidizing businesses that promote these aims.

8. Discredit, as much as possible, the older generation so the young feel they know better. Especially make them feel that wrinkles, yellowing teeth, and a bit of flab are signs of dementia.

9. Then, and this is the kicker, set up in the educational process for what you want workers, not citizens, to know.

10. Define a job list that has dignity and prestige attached to it, making sure that things that would care for the people are eliminated. Even though we need some of the jobs that have been discouraged like mothering, making your own shoes and clothing or growing, preserving, and cooking your own food, Thus making us all passive, fat, self riotous consumers rather than intelligent thoughtful customers.

Haven't they done a good job!? Can you look at an ad for a younger you or see a protest about not getting what you deserve rather than what you have earned without feeling bad about somebody?

Young people don't vote--they think there is no hope--they are afraid of strangers and are not willing to stop their neighbor's cat from dumping in their garden-- they don't feel they will be as well off as their parents( who are old, demented and were dumb anyway)--and they hate themselves, their appearance, their frailties and want to change noses, tattoo their bodies, and use wrinkle cream and teeth whitener at 20.

And we wonder why they don't participate! They don't even know they can!

Don't let them do this to any young person you have charge of!

Stuffed Pork Loin/ Flank Stake

Cut a 3 lb Pork loin roast out to be one inch thick and 12 inches long.
Filling: Saute in 2 tbls butter--chopped 5 large mushrooms, one head of garlic sliced thin, and season them with 1 tablespoon 5 spice powder, salt and pepper to taste.
Let cool.
Spread on open roast then roll and tie to keep in place
Cook in a 325o oven for 1 hour and 15 minutes.
Let stand covered for 15-20 minutes to set juices

Serve with sweet potato, green beans and applesauce.

Flank Steak roll

Filling: Mushrooms, onions and thyme.
Bake 325o until 135o in center. Let stand covered 15- 20 minutes to set juices.
might be good Served with Mashed potatoes, zucchini-yellow squash-onion steamed.

Build, Build, Build

If a contractor came upon a prime located property, just what he wanted for a building he had in his mind. Perfect, except that it had been an old creosote factory, and now was used as a dump for unwanted furniture, trash, a few old cars, and smelled to high heaven. And, this same property was a swamp full of dead trees rotting vegetation and filth. And, it also had been a depository for dead cows from the local farms and chicken manure and all manure of farm waste. Even to see what this land could be he had to overlook all the filth! But, he was a great contractor and could see right past it to the finished building, eco friendly, green roof, undisturbed wet land--everything.

What would he do?

Would he complain about the unknown people who had dumped their unwanted trash, find the farmers that had dumped the dead animals and complain about the way the property had been misused and neglected? Perhaps, but most likely if he really wanted to build his dream on this property he would negotiate with the city to clean up the property for tax relief, and dumping rights in the city waste disposal. He would get his contractors in to clean up and clear the land, properly dispose of the filth and animal remains and cut down and recycle the trees, clean up and plan around the wet spots, drill holes for pylon supports and plot out what the new building would look like right there.

It would be a waste of time and would not get the property fixed for the contractor to complain or even recite what was wrong with the property other than to find folks to clean it up.

He would build, build, build!

Too much time is spent reciting what is wrong.

See, plan, build, build, build!

It is the way to get things done.

Marigold's Visit

I had a clown friend that came to visit
She is a dear
We chatted until our ears grew tired
And dozed off to rest a while
Then came back for more

We walked the streets of San Francisco
And gave the cable cars a try
Saw O'Keeffe and Adams
Took pictures of trolleys and trains
And rode Bart home and there.

We saw an Egyptian tomb
and watched the stars on the ceiling
Walked in the gardens of Papyrus and Nile Lilies
and chatted until our brains were tired again.

We went to the place where movies began
Ate fine food in a tiny restaurant
and watched silent films about dogs!
All Four! Funny!

The visit was too short but that is the way it always is.
When two clowns get together
and give the town a wiz!

The Nature of Taste

This week my apricots come into full ripeness--soft, juicy, creamy smooth goodness, a real treat in my mouth. I popped the first one into my mouth and my eyes rolled back and closed in pleasure. The full sweetness and soft goodness sent my whole body into a trance.

That first bite was delightful. I picked a basket full and made some apricot syrup for the winter all the while popping one or two beauties into my mouth. I could not let all of them go into the jars. The first taste of the cooled syrup was another moment of bliss. I was in culinary heaven.

The plums were also ripe, so I made Ginger Plum Sauce and again my taste buds reeled at the first taste of the cooled suace--spicy, dark plum hit the sides of my mouth like a jolt and suprised me. What a treat on chicken wings or in BarBQ sauce, I thought to myself as I put the jars on the shelf.

Then something started to happen as I continued to eat the apricots. They seemed less flavorful , almost watery. I realized that the taste buds had been awakened to the new flavor as a test to see if it was OK to eat. As I ate more my mouth did not need this test, so it quieted down its reaction to the flavor. If I thought hard as I was eating one the flavor came through, but I no longer needed to know if it was Ok to eat. My mouth just ate it for the food value because it knew it was safe.

This is why you do not eat special foods regularly. Keeping them for special occasions renews the initial reaction to the flavor and gives you much more pleasure than to eat these foods often and get used to the flavor and then just munch it.

Salt is not like that and neither is sugar so every time you "taste" it. But the more delicate unusual the flavor the more you need to have just a little of it once in a while to recieve the same pleasure.

Isn't that like life? The more you do something the more boring it gets. Maybe the mouth is a lesson. If you are hungry then by all means munch. But, if you want to experience something fully like the first time, do it just a little onece in a while and the full experience will be yours for the taking.

I Heard An Echo Today

I heard an echo today from the past
Its meaning is etched in glass
Scraping its way into the soul
It mars even the deepest recesses
It yells from deep within the void to harm

What is this echo? I ask myself.
Why, since it is so hurtful, has it come back to haunt
Or rather does it taunt me with its repetition to do something this time?

It called the first time, but I was struck like stone
My body, mind and soul had no bone
So, I did nothing.

I have looked into my soul and found it wanting.
Wanting the strength and grit to address this echo now.
But how?

What is this echo?

YOU DO THIS ON PURPOSE!

This echo's impact is far and wide
It is part of who we think we are
It is how we assess each other
It is wrong, hurtful and destroys!
What can be done?

There is always a reason why someone destroys opportunity.

It is not done "on purpose"; it is done in reaction to something.
Unless that "something" is addressed the cycle of destruction is repeated over and over
And then there is the blame. . .

You don't want to succeed.
You are just lazy.
You can, but won't do it.
Your past is keeping you where you are.
I don't have the time to do anything about it.
It is up to you to change.

But, underneath the destruction is a "Child"
With all the potential he or she was born with
Stuck in a lie!

It take special attention to reach down and give this "child" a way out.
It takes loving them enough to see this "child", and then work on the way to free him or her from this echo.

Bondage comes in many forms
The mind's bondage is much harder to untie but not impossible.
Every day is a new day and that "child" waits in terror. . .

for you!

Domestic Partnership

The Gay Community has this right. I used to be called a house wife but that carried with it a demotion to servant. Wife: the one who backs up but has no power in the affairs of her husband. But, Domestic Partner, Well, that is another matter. This implies that there is equality. One partner is the business partner and the other is the domestic partner.

Yes! Domestic Partner! Equal but very different from the business partner. Yes! let us "wives" start thinking of ourselves as Partners. What a difference it makes in the way we feel about the things we need to do to keep a home in good working order and the children fed, educated, and healthy. We are then not subject to our husbands but equal. And, we are in an ongoing business of the domestic life of the whole family not just a helper/servant in our households.

Yes! Domestic Partners!

The Imposter Syndrome

I have just sent off another of my doings. As I let them sit in my house where I could see them for at least the last month, hoping to retain the memory of them; I realized that I had sent hundreds of these doings off and always forgot that I had done them. Or at least when I saw them again it seemed like someone else surly did it because I could not have done so well.

I think the fact is even when they were finished from that moment on it seemed like someone else had done them. I remember the ones that I did poorly much better. The ones that I did exceptionally well are a blur. Why? Maybe Chani, my son, has put his finger on it with his blog---Impostor Syndrome

I have been an impostor for most of my life.

I am a person, I have known this. But, a mom, teacher, master gardener, director of Young Author's Conferences, wife, friend, clown, executor of an estate, caretaker for the elderly, seamstress, doll maker, sign language interpreter, artist? I don't know. All of these were temporary states in an ongoing consciousness...........

Every time I get put in one of these roles I rebel deep inside myself somehow. Like it is strangling me as a person. I can fill those roles for a while but if pressed to continue past whatever internal time my consciousness has given me--I feel trapped.

If I look back on any of these roles I can see the flaws in my performance like lights in the darkness--every flaw proves I am really an imposter. But the successes? They dim into oblivion. Maybe that is why I need so much reassurance. And when I don't get it, I die and so does the since of internal accomplishment.

It would be easy to say "Oh, just don't feel that way!", but it hasn't worked.

Interesting insight.

Close Your Eyes

I was just listening to James Taylor and he sang this song:

The Sun is sinking down
But the Moon is slowly rising
This old World must still be spinning 'round
And I still love you.

So, close your eyes,
You can close your eyes, it's alright.
Oh, I don't know no love songs,
and I can't sing the blues anymore...
Sure, but I can sing this song
Yes and, you can sing this song when I'm gone...

I was thinking of the times in any relationship when I could close my eyes and feel that everything was alright because I was loved.

There is so much judgment in relationships that there is always the fear of abandonment. Not just of physical leaving, but of the love leaving, the respect leaving, the kindness leaving, the caring leaving that every moment we need to keep our eyes open.

Think about this. Do you give those that are around you the feeling they can close their eyes?

Chip A Way!

Chip A Way!

I cut down a tree branch that was making my yard very dark. It was about 8 feet long, 4 feet high and 6 feet wide. It blocked my way through the yard. I chopped on it in one foot segments, one branch at a time, finding the joints and using the bigger tools to cut the thicker parts.

The result was a small 2x2x2 foot pile with still further to go if I wanted to cut every segment into smaller pieces.

I thought to myself the dark shadows of our lives are like that. If we take one small piece of it at a time the darkness gives way to the light.

Chip away! The darkness is not as thick as it seems.

The Light is there!

a note from God to Moms

To all Moms--a note from God

I walked out my back door and saw that God had sent us a Mother's Day bouquet. It was lovely creamed colored roses with edges of pink from being kissed by the sun. Over them rose a Yesterday, Today and Tomorrow with purple, lavender, and pale violet blooms. The dark purple are the baby blooms; the lavender are a day old; and the violet blooms are the older one.

As the rising sun hit the blossoms I stopped to wonder how could it be that the timing of this event could be Mother's Day.

Then it came to me. Mothers believe and count on yesterday to find joy, they live in today with pleasure and they are the builders of tomorrow.

What a joy to know that God knows that and reminded us with such a treat!

Happy Mother's Day!

April 7th 2009

Today I saw the pictures from the Italian earthquake. The houses fallen, the rescuers bringing out the injured, the death toll of 200 so far. The after shocks are still .5 on the Rictor scale, enough to knock down what is left of the town and stop the rescuers from finding the injured.

The sadist part is that a week ago a lone seismologist went around the town with a bull horn warning of the coming earthquake and was stopped from disturbing the peace by the police and his colleagues discounted his evaluation of the danger and everyone--everyone did nothing!

In the fast 20 years those who have had control, as these colleagues did, of the information about global warming have done the same! Discrediting those who say there is danger, discounting the loudest voices and put out false information to cover their tactics.

Will we all be that stupid to listen to these people who soften the information so it does not scare people? Will the earth dangers what ever they are in your area go unprepared for? Will they catch us in our beds like they did yesterday in Italy?

I pray not! Do what you can to get the most difficult news and protect yourselves. NO FEAR JUST PREPAREDNESS!

Fashy Moments

New Year’s Resolution

Years ago I had this surprising vision of my neighbor's roof out my kitchen window for a long time I have looked for the same effect and did not see it again. (Writing that day below) This morning I looked out and the twinkly little drops were there again. But…it was not the same thrill. Not the same still moment of wonder. Just the roll of the water twinkling in the sun as the frost melted.

Then I went outside. It is a frosty day bright, crisp, and cold. I heard the little humming birds tweet in the trees and as I looked to make sure they had nectar in the feeder. A little male flew about 4 feet away from me stopped in mid air to check me out then flew to the feeder and ate. Every once in a while as he licked up the sweet nectar he looked at me to make sure I wasn't going to get him. As he turned his brilliant ruby throat flashed in the sun. I had the same breathtaking awe as I had when I first saw the drops sparkle in the sun on the frosted roof.

I wonder if this is why we get bored. This thrilling realization feeling is very intoxicating. The exhilaration of seeing something for the first time is quite amazing and the desire to repeat it is almost irresistible. But is there a down side to this?

As I experienced with the roof the second time is not as powerful. In fact it is a bit flat. I wonder if looking at that roof again will ever feel like the first time. Enjoying the moments that come our way as the flash of red of the hummingbird’s throat or the sparkles on the roof were are the highlights in the painting of life. Those moments that stand out to give us pleasure while the rest of life is being lived.

I will enjoy the moments as they come and find pleasure in the things that are not flashy. This will make all of life worthwhile.

2006
A Black Roof

Night falls—A Sun dried black roof sits in the amber glow of the streetlights. Slowly tiny white fingers creep across the dark granular surface turning it into an invisible gray. The black roof is perched chilled in the amber glow waiting for redemption. Stony silence fills the night air as everything slumbers.

A faint glow at the edge of sight wakes the tiny birds sleeping in the trees. One by one they begin their morning serenade. The air fills with their music. Pink clouds fill the heavens above echoing the peachy glow of the streetlights. The peachy color turns to clear light revealing the white blanket covering the darkness of the black roof.

Quietly but swiftly fingers of brightness reach out to touch the top of the chimney warming the first row of bricks causing the tiny crystal tendrils to change form and flow under the white blanket below. Color transforms as the crystals feel the fingers of the clear transformed essence of the whiteness sneak under the blanket and dissolve its resolve to be there.

The light reaches the peak of the roof making a jagged outline of the house next door. The outline creeps relentlessly down the rough surface of the black roof, keeping its shape as it descends. The clear essence sneaks under the whiteness as it intrudes further down the surface of the black roof.

The sun’s rays hit, clear drops tumble down each shingle, each one twinkling with joy like star glitter is dancing on the black roof’s rough surface. Darkness seeps down the slope to fan out like feathers under the whiteness below.

Soon the whiteness is no more the black roof twinkles with delight. It crackles quietly as tiny wisps of white gossamer waft into the air. Redeemed at last the black roof is dry again. A day has begun.